absurdity, prose, social commentary, style, surf, and culture

historically, surf culture and competitive surfing have been devoid of any internal self critique. you read or listen to any interview and it’s always the same shit: ‘yeah he’s a great guy, the nicest guy, and surfs really well…” and so on. it’s essentially a big circle jerk.

but the tides have switched. few unpaid surfing bloggers can rival the work of Blasphemy Rottmouth. his writing is a mix of grotesque and often absurd horror imagery, with some very witty and often right on point criticism about surf culture and professional surfing. his writing is not for everyone, but its impact is felt by those at the top ranks with people like Kelly Slater and Jamie O’Brien often posting links to Rottmouth’s work on their Twitter feeds.

Rottmouth agreed to do a short interview over email. I’ve interviewed many people over the years while writing for Phoresia.org -but this interview is different. it is what it is. but be sure to read between the lines or else you may miss something brilliant.

************************************************************************************************************************************

Q. Blasphemy Rottmouth. That’s a mouthful. Aside from drinking expensive tequila, and writing feverishly about the surf industry – a.k.a. the Circle Jerk – do you prefer a 6’0″ x 18 1/4″ x 2 1/8″ thruster for most days? And are quads relevant?

Chortles. Yes, I suppose I could have picked a little more marketing-friendly moniker, like Frank, for instance… had that been the point. And like my mood swings, my boards range wildly. I generally find the discussion of board sizes to be as exciting as an extended instrumental solo at a Phish concert. The short story is that I ride a variety of boards shaped by a family friend in Oregon. Thrusters to fish to a few eggs. I have a log for the kids. He is as skilled at shaping as I at surfing so the resulting double negative produces prodigious surfing by everyone else in the lineup. And yes, quads have always been and will remain relevant. They may have some difficulty maintaining vertical drive at times… but I find a little lubricant applied liberally to the wheels will help these poor, paralyzed people when they’re rolled down a grade in excess of 5%. Watching them steer with those straw-shaped toggles is a sight to behold. Intense at times. I may have a dark sense of humor… but I will not tolerate anyone who questions the relevance of quads. They are people too.

Q. And did you and Donnie Darko ever cavort with trolls while planning fire bombings of ASP Tour events on the mainland?

I’ve been admonishing Donnie for years… that destruction is a form of creation… but like the ASP, he doesn’t listen. With few exceptions, mainland USA is not a premiere destination for surfers interested in that commodity more precious than life itself: waves. Let the minor leagues bojangle for The Industry in their front yards. Far more consistently excellent to epic waves in the world abound to bother the best with mediocrity. Mediocrity is for The Industry. Follow the waves, Association of Surfing Professionals, and let the lucre follow you.

Q. Seriously though. Recently you’ve been getting comments from people like Sal Masekela regarding your call for the ASP to dissolve its current format and provide the fans with “the best surfers on the best waves.” It seems that you’ve touched on a nerve. And the guys defending the ASP, and I suppose they are also defending their income, seem to think that bloggers are just malcontents with horrific childhoods. What influence do surf fans have through the democratization of surf media via blogs and social media?

This nerve has been poked and prodded long before I became cognizant of the surfing blogosphere. I simply supplied a surgeon’s drill and sank that sucker right into the root and set the switch to puree.  Unlike some of you, I was both born and consciously functioning during the Eighties. I recall the particular blight on cultural sensibility with crystal clarity. In the Age of Neon, surf magazines began catering to The Industry and inbreeding themselves like mountaineers in the clefts of the Ozarks. Stories became propaganda pieces designed to promote the endless Industry tentacles that wormed their imperialistic way across the Indian Ocean and South Pacific. Yours truly was pulled into the all-consuming, Charybdan groupthink of the age, with its Ralph Lauren wetsuit color palettes and its armies of More Core pseudo rebellion. If I could give my right leg to go back in time and apply jumper cables to the surf media’s testicles until any inkling of having a surf tour run by the major corporations was burnt out of them, I would happily change my name to Blasphemy Q. Purtymouth.

Alas, the beauty of the 21st century is an unprecedented awareness and confluence of thought, as well as access to virtually every opinion of the last eighty years. The surf media’s steadfast abandonment on this independence in favor of choosing antiquated models is just abhorrent judgment. Naturally, some captains of this poppycockery will go down with their ship. Luckily, as my Daddy Rottmouth taught me, there is no repugnant judgment that cannot be cured with a length of rubber hose and a night in The Box.

Q. Do you think Lewis Samuels and PostSurf had any effect on surf media and the Circle Jerk? Or was he slipped under the mosquito net like dengue fever?

Lewis Samuels certainly had an effect. That’s clearly seen in the small number of independent blogs that have arisen, voicing various concerns and lifting comment censorship on their posts to allow others a similar voice. Again, the effect of PostSurf merely enhanced the voices of fans. It’s the affect I’m worried about. Andy Irons death was the litmus test of the decade for the real surfing media… journalists in particular, and they failed most miserably. The only attempt at mining The Truth came from sources outside surfing’s elite, via Brad Melekian and Fred Pawle. And those men were dealt a harsh backhand from the sheep in The Industry for their efforts… a sure sign they were doing something right.

Lewis’ PostSurf fallout fell largely on the newly emboldened vocal chords of average surf fans, much to the consternation of the “surfy surfy” bubble-bound members of the surf media. As Lord Macaulay said, “a great writer is the friend and benefactor of his readers.” Though Lewis seemed to resent his own readers; hearty souls from the well-educated, to the working class, blue-collar blokes felt a connection with Samuels’ Industry disillusionment. His blog set the blueprint for the Voice of the Fan… something that has been shop-worn for ages in virtually every other sport, but was new as a kitten in the throes of amniotic bliss to an insular and insecure surfing world at the time.

I have no idea what Lewis is doing now… but I give him credit for busting down surfing’s backdoor for the fans: unfiltered thoughts in posts and unfiltered commentary below. Just like the campfire or bar after a surf session. Simple strokes for simple folks.

Q. I can only assume that some of your fans are surf industry folks who perhaps agree with your sardonic viewpoints about the back slapping and self-congratulatory industry -the Circle Jerk.  So why does the train keep chugging along? I mean look at skateboarding and the X-Games. None of my friends who skate could give two shits about the X-Games (sure we’re in our 30′s but so is Sal). Free surfing is as much a Circle Jerk as the Pro Tour. Where is the anti-social spirit of surfing gone to?

Surfers love overemphasizing their anti-social spirit of yore and their toddling stewardship of an ancient ocean. Yet surfing is an extremely pro-social activity… given that the act of riding waves (the only true anti-social portion) is a tiny fraction of the overall experience. On land, surfers turn into the same slaves to civilization as everyone else. Compliant robots created out of misguided overeducates posing as protesters with a mission for yea those few fragmented seconds of history before bowing miserably at the feet of The Industry’s instruments of death.

Miki Dora -anti social surf icon

Surfers spend most of their lives reenacting their surfing experiences with friends and family at the bar, around the campfire, and now… on the internet. Socialization. Not many people score great waves and never share the story.

The anti-social aspect of surfing is gone. Like tears in the rain. Like punk rock. Like Andy Irons. Some things can’t be replaced. If you want to be rebellious: avoid tattoos, wear boardshorts sewn by the seamstress down the street, and design a spaceship that will take you beyond earth’s decaying atmosphere.

Q. Will you tire of the hours of unpaid work you put into this project?

Realistically, I tire of it about once or twice a week. Not the money aspect – this… this thing, has never been a financial endeavor. Taking a few moments to blog does tax a bit mentally… depending on real life. I’ve even quit, with the intention of never returning, at least twice over the last two years. This abomination certainly is not bound for immortality. Like the human body, it was dying since the moment it was born. One morning, I shall wake up, type my last words and return to the comforting shadows in my head. For now it remains as it was upon conception: catharsis for a very disturbed mind.

Q. You’re obviously a big fan of competitive surfing. How do you think that competitive surfing could change? Kelly’s idea of creating a league similar to the NBA or NFL seemed to hold promise. It would take away power from the clothing companies who now run things – Quick-bong-rip-hurl. And what about the whole free-surfing scene -where do people who can’t compete (Dane) fit in?

My thoughts on professional surfing are paradoxical. I believe the profession should be more professional via less direct Industry penetration, and less professional by harnessing the excitement of free surfing. Would this not appeal more to the Dane’s and JO’B’s of the world? The Backdoor Shootout format bears the closest resemblance to my unoriginal vision: A round-robin template, with more competitors in heats and no early eliminations, coupled with compiled points over a series of hour long heats through two days… perhaps three to maximize typical swell windows. Highest compiled score would certainly reflect the best overall surfer in that span while avoiding fluky flat spells that doom some thirty minute heats. I would dog-pile on Mike Mantalos’ idea of treating the tour like an ultimate surf trip; meaning destinations with the highest statistical probability of scoring the best possible waves, longer waiting periods with a mobile team ready to move as soon as the swell charts light up. Modern technology is friend, not foe. Look at Bong’s Teahupo’o webcast. They simply followed something The Fans have been asking for eons: real heats on demand. In a modest, yet simplistically brilliant step, they televised portions of a free surf and tow day. And lastly, I would support Kelly and Mantalos’ idea of a sovereign league, whereby the ASP ran the events, the webcast, and the judges… and let the money chase the product. This format, in theory, would entice more progression while still creating the excitement of a live event. The free-surfing, YouTube scene could remain as is… a vapor trail feeding Generation ADD’s fix. Speaking of which, it’s about time for my nurse to bring me my Ritalin®.

Q. I can imagine that you have a great time writing some of your posts – like the Dance Macabre. You also indulge your readers in some poignant social criticism. Many of your views about pro-surfing could be a metaphor for pop culture as a whole. So what do you think? Are we fucked? Was humanity ever humanist? Does anyone really care or ever cared about where we’re headed? Feel free to answer this one after a few shots of Mezcal.

Living things existed long before humans – living things will continue to exist long after humans. I do believe that a less material existence is our proper life, and that our futile presence on this terraqueous orb is itself an ancillary, or merely virtual phenomenon. Life is, at its base, a hideous thing. And with each successive demonic hint of historical truth we discover, that hideousness increases a thousandfold. Science, already employed by despotic corporations willing to bargain with the vampires of the deep, will perhaps be the ultimate exterminator of our species – for its reserve of unimaginable horrors could never be borne forth by mortal brains if loosed upon the world.

Under the pretense of compassion, The Industry seeks to re-enslave the once-liberated… shoveling them off into trailer parks, assembly-line McMansions, or government housing. Detained like Petsmart® parakeets, too afraid to fly through gaping cage doors, the cruel chiefs break the collar bones of those foolish enough to seek immunity, and withhold sustenance and lotto tickets from those who refuse to pay homage to the Wretched Entity.

And yet we soldier on. We humble few.

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

special thanks to Mr. Rottmouth for the interview, the laughs, and the introspection.